The missing months

Regular readers - (who are probably thin on the ground these days) might have noticed an onset of blogger's block. I've made five posts in as many months. Part of it was technical - I had to reload both my work PC and my laptop and lost key programmes (like bluetooth for photos). Part of it was existential. I asked myself if I really wanted to expose my weaknesses, insecurities and anxieties to a watching world? (Yes there were times when I felt all of these things). If you read someone's blog over a period of time you can get quite strong insights into their patterns of thinking. Blogs are more revealing than one imagines (of the ones I regularly read I can see that x is angry, y is insecure and z has recently fallen in love - even though it hasn't yet been said). Do /did I want to expose myself that much? I toyed for a while about going anonymous - so I could be more open about some issues, drag out the pathos, humour and self confession with no fear of 'traceability.' But going anonymous proved too technically difficult for a technophobe such as me.

At the onset of this summer I came to realise that I was an exhausted wreck. Over the previous twelve months I had spent 25% of my time in the UK, dealing with my father's affairs- often with a sense of anger and reluctance. The practical side of doing this was one thing to handle - but I wasn't aware how much mental and emotional energy dealing with all the family history (or lack thereof) would cost me. At the same time my business grew exponentially and I had had to teach myself how to delegate, sub-contract and become a manager of other people, just in order to keep the ship afloat.

By early summer I just felt tired of fighting the world, feeling that I was always running after someone else's commands and never having the time to do 'my stuff'. I found it increasingly difficult to make decisions - even about the simplest things. I was unintentionally rude to friends - because I resented everything that was going on in my life - and began taking it out on those closest to me. If I were an employee I could probably have gone for the option of claiming 'burn-out' (more to follow on this topic). But my incapacity insurance didn't cover that option, so I had to make the best of what I had. I minimised work commitments and spent a few months going to see a therapist / trainer on a weekly basis. He helped me re-identify my strengths, be aware of my weaknesses and offered solutions to pressing practical problems. Those walks in the woods helped a lot.

By the end of the summer I was having a really good time in my life again: going out more - whether to gigs, on hikes or bike rides. In fact I was out so much that I didn't have any time to blog. I had a couple of 'lost years' to catch up on. I realise I have a raft of really good friends can around me- who add enormous value to my life. I still haven't found a new lover - and that gap can gnaw away at my sense of joy and self worth -if I let it. On a daily basis I work on being grateful for the benefits in my life and cast aside the resentments about the things that aren't there. My Buddhist practice really helps me with this. This blog took about a month to write - it was hugely personal - maybe normal service will be resumed soon.