Installing a husband

I received a fun e mail today. (Thanks W). Thought I would share it with the world. Is there a female equivalent of this correspondance out there?

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.


Tech Support

Free lunches

Last month I wrote about the prospect of a free lunch. Turned out I blew it horribly. The day I was supposed to go for my free lunch I got a call from R's social worker in London telling me he had been wandering late at night and a decision about his future care plan was needed. TODAY. So I walked Bella dog tried to clear my head and think what was best. By early afternoon I was at least cognisant enough of the choices to go through and discuss the implications of the different options. I then worked until about 7.
I looked at my diary the next day - shit - I missed something. I immediately phoned the organiser of said 4 course meal to test English hostessing skills to apologise and explain the circumstances. Not turning up for appointments is such a faux pas in the NL that I thought that I would be black listed all over town. Anyway she accepted my apology and seemed to undertsand the unusual circumstances.
Last week I did eventually get a free lunch. Courtesy of BMI. Having become a frequent flyer I decided to get a frequent flyer card and they were offering a free sandwich and drink to card holders. Don't hold your breathe. It wasn't lobster thermadore. But its been a long time since I remember getting a free meal on an airline.

Keep the customer satisfied?

I have blogged before about companies who seem to not want to attract any more business than they have already. I found another one last week. I was browsing the web site of a company who specialise in publishing self help legal documents. You know the kind of stuff, How to make a will, get divorced, get on the property ladder (usually the chronology runs the other way but you get the idea). Anyway I found one pack that looked useful but couldn't find any reference to another one that I was looking for. So I mailed to ask if they did a publication on this topic. I got a very rapid response. Here it is
Thank you for your email unfortunately (company name deleted) cant help with this matter. Regards.

So I then went to the check out cart to order the book that they did have that I wanted. I found that my postcode was invalid and there was no space to enter that I lived outside the UK. Having spent a few minutes registering as a customer and putting all my details into their system I felt a bit peeved about this and kept the page open to see if there was some trick that could be used to get around this problem. I assumed that they might want to speed one of their books on its way to me. So I wrote to ask how I could pay and again got a very rapid response, which ran.
Thank you for your email unfortunately our website will only accept credit cards with UK address and we only dispatch to the UK. Regards

Well that wasn't too much of a problem as the book could be dispatched to the UK and I could collect it there. So I wrote to ask if there was another way in which I could pay - possibly with an electronic transfer from a UK bank. The reply soon came back:
The only way you can get the book you require is to get someone in the UK to purchase for you. We can't give bank details for mail order customer. Regards

This was now beginning to feel like Monty Python's cheese shop sketch - except instead of thinking up excuses for why they didn't have a certain kind of cheese it was more about what payment methods I couldn't use. I was also starting to get irritated by the lack of any apology or constructive thinking on their sales team's part. I fired off a final salvo:
I appreciate your very rapid responses. I run a business and I realise how important that is. I am surprised how disinterested you seem in attracting custom. Is it possible to pay for the book with a cheque drawn on a British bank account? Regards
I deleted the line that I was going to write about being a blogger who sometimes writes about (lack of) customer service. I didn't want to raise the temperature any more on a Friday afternoon.
Finally I got a reply that they would send me the book on receipt of a cheque drawn on a British account (but only probabaly after it has cleared as well).
It just left me wondering - am I grumpy old man or is this company really badly adapted to doing business in the 21st Century?