It ain't what you want (it's what you need)

My blogging has been lax recently. The past few weeks have bought a few disappointments that I have had to take time to absorb. Several weeks ago I was approached to write a report about smallholder farming in Africa. I agreed but argued that the contract should also budget in a trip to a relevant conference (two of which were about to occur in Nigeria and Ethiopia). The sponsors agreed in principle, thinking it would add colour to the report, but then pulled back when they realised they didn’t have enough funds to cover such an excursion. I was pretty annoyed –especially as I had told myself, a long time ago- not to accept any such contracts unless they offer funds for field work. More annoyed recently as the value of the pound has collapsed and the value of this contract has decreased by about 20% - but hey that’s weatherable if this is going to be an important learning and networking experience.

A couple of weeks later I was invited to apply for (one of a number of vacancies in) a housing co-op, which happens to be one of the nicest living arrangements that I have found in the Netherlands. I really felt that my boat might have come in and I might finally have found somewhere environmentally pleasing and socially supportive to live in. I even told some friends that i was hoping to move out of my small gardenless and noisy flat next year. Two days before they had their screening process I was told that my ex (and her new boyfriend) had also applied to live there. This raised more than a few emotional issues for me, as I felt less than happy about the prospect of living ‘all under the same roof’ as her (them). As it turned out I didn’t make it onto their short list, so didn’t have to deal with that problem.

Coming on top of each other, in the space of two weeks or so, these two ‘failures’ quite upset me. I asked myself why ‘I don’t get anything I want’. A few days reflection and quite a lot of chanting later, I realised that it was probably some form of protection. My life at the moment is hyper busy, with not enough time to organise the flights, hotels and upgraded immunisations needed to go and gad off to Africa for a week or two. And the timing of the availability of the rooms in the housing co-op couldn’t have been worse. Over the first three months of next year I have to arrange to get my father’s apartment cleaned, painted, papered, carpeted, emptied and put on the market, so as to cover his nursing home costs. The last thing I would want to do would be to return from that challenge and go straight into arranging moving flat in the Netherlands (let alone face all the historic emotional challenges that living in this co-op would bring up - with or without my ex being a resident there). My life would become a constant suitcase. Sometimes it seems the things we think we want aren’t actually the best for us. Equally it’s difficult to accept that the timing (or even the idea) may be wrong or misplaced.

This raised the deeper question of whether it is better to try to set my own goals, which can give me a sense of direction, but are often based on a historical or intellectual understanding of what I want, or to work with what I have and make the best of it, which seems to smack of fatalism. The things that I think that I want seem far away at the moment, but there is certainly no shortage of excitement or challenges in my life: just not the ones that I would choose. I now divide my time living between two countries, with very different cultures, opportunities and drawbacks. After six years living away from Britain, I am now spending 30-40% of my time in England and am coming to see it in a very different way. And the country treats me in a very different way. I bring new skills and competences that I have learned in the NL to the table and they seem to be opening new doors to me. On each visit to the UK I seem to receive a new invitation to nose around the corridors of power, albeit as a tentative guest: receptions at Westminster Palace, consultations with the government dept for development, etc. It’s weird, trying to balance my comfortable (but, it has to be said, somewhat boring) lifestyle in the NL with an altogether more exciting (but far more stressful one) one in the UK.
At the same time my business has shifted from one in which I sit behind a PC, correcting texts, to one in which I am again working as a researcher and also operating as a broker, negotiator and quality controller. These are not changes I was looking for, and are difficult to integrate into my schedule, especially simultaneously. But they seem like important challenges to ride and overcome. This week I have meetings in London, Oxford, Rugby and Bath. That’s a full week’s work (and some). In these dark and cold days it seems like a lot to take on- but longer, warmer and happier days will surely come. At the moment I am learning how to accommodate and embrace change and play it for what is worth, while not losing track of my longer-term goals. I am grateful for the reliable support networks that I do have, that make this all possible.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.