Apologies to my readers for having been so quiet on the blogging front recently. I have been experiencing a significant dissonance between my external and internal lives and not finding a way to match the two - both personally or in terms of writing.
Externally I have being keeping myself busy: movies, galleries, visits from long-time, no -see friends from Britain, seeing the occasional great band, regular swimming, going to the sauna etc. Yet internally there's a "so what" feeling - is all this activity an attempt to escape from my underlying feelings of anger/ frustration / betrayal / lack of direction and self esteem?
So I could write about van Gogh and Orchestra Baobab and the three great movies I have seen in the past two weeks. But it all feels superficial. Yet writing about my internal life feels indulgent.
On the plus side I no longer spend my weekends in a state of emotional catatonia. Elvis Costello, Neil Young, Bob Dylan and other members of the lonely hearts club band no longer have exclusive access to my stereo and I don't think often about what "she" might be doing with her new man. I have made lots of new friends and strengthened existing friendships. This has helped me understand just how many people share the same sense of pain and loss and the different ways that they deal with it. Sometimes I have been able to support them, other times they have helped me see how to move forward. Building new networks and strengthening existing ones has been a positive aspect of being single.
Yet, on the negative side, when the last encore has been played, the screen credits have rolled or the bar tender has called time one goes home - alone. The Netherlands doesn't have a culture of getting pissed, pulling and asking their name the next morning. So Sunday mornings have as yet always been breakfast for one. How do Dutch people - and particularly women - cope with singleness? For men there is always the red light district option, but while the women there can provide sexual relief they aren't likely to provide the sense of acceptance that makes sex special and meaningful.
Not being single seems attractive, but maybe it is an easy option. If I started a relationship straight away I would not have this opportunity to explore my relationship with myself. As a Buddhist - who chants every day to reveal my innate Buddha nature- I should welcome this opportunity. But jealousy hunger and lack of self respect get in the way of that. Am I alone in simply missing being told I'm special?
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