Back in the UK for four days now. Most of the demons and dragons that I had been anticipating have not emerged. Maybe my practice has driven them back into their liars. I have been to visit R in the Residential Home (RH) three times in 4 days. So far he has not once asked me to take him home, or back to the NL. It’s a sign that he feels settled there. Yesterday evening I went to have dinner with the residents at the home (R included). I had a gut feeling that it would give me some insight into how the place worked, the interactions between staff and residents and between the residents themselves, that it would show me if there were any vipers in the nest. Also it would allow me to spend some time with R without feeling the need to maintain a conversation and to see how he reacted with his new ‘housemates’. On all counts it turned out well. If anyone is thinking about whether or not to commit a close relative to care I would recommend this as a strategy. It gives you a feel about the day-to-day life of the place. (There’s another blog there, but it doesn’t fit with the direction of this one).
Things really have seem to have changed since my grandmother went into care twenty years or so ago – then they were two or three to a room and it really did feel like a dehumanizing experience (or maybe because I was twenty-five years younger then being old felt dehumanizing). She complained about being abused, which always affected R’s opinion of RHs – but that could also just have been a symptom of her dementia.
Right now my mind is at rest. I think a future in a RH is the best option for R Moreover I think he recognizes it too. I think he enjoys having more social contacts. When he had carers in his house he used to follow them around as if they were going to steal the sheets from off his bed. Now he can let go of that distrust that has plagued him all his life. That’s another benefit. A huge one.
I’m feeling protected at the moment, because:
· R accepts the changes in his life and has started treating me in a different way. Instead of treating me like his wastrel son, who he could never stop criticizing for losing or breaking things, he has come to realize that I am his best ally. Often with dementia that equation goes the other way. Gaining some respect from that quarter so late in life makes all this effort have some kind of emotional payoff
· The wonderful support and safety nets offered by Kingston’s social services (SS) team. They have been wonderful. All too often one hears horror stories about SS failing to provide adequate care. All I can say is that they have been wonderful and supportive in communicating, in offering choices and respecting my choices and advocacy for R’s welfare even when these might not have coincided with their own professional judgments. I went to see a counselor for those looking after people with mental health problems this week (anticipating that this week was going to be harder than it has turned out to be). He said I should be grateful that R lives in Kingston, which has good care policies towards care, and also grateful for having TG as a caseworker, because she is especially dedicated. Thank you TG.
· Finally I am grateful because I am self-employed and don’t have to ask anyone for time-off. The last three trips I have made here have been open – ended. I always bought one-way tickets, with an idea of when I want to get back home –recognizing that it might take a few days more or less. Not many employers would buy that three times in six weeks. Moreover I can at least do some (albeit limited) work whilst away. Also being self-employed has given me the organizational skills and attitude to deal with some aspects of these various crises. I am sure I would have keeled over and folded if faced with this situation five years ago.
Friday night - facing the world - I feel I have moved mountains. Tomorrow I will take some of Reg’s pictures, a radio and other home comforts to his new home. Also look for a bike to ease my travels around the area over the coming months and give me an exercise machine to relieve stress. With some luck I should be able to pursue my political interests over the weekend too. As Henry (and most Buddhists) say it’s not just down to luck – it’s about the fortune you create.
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1 comment:
This really sounds encouraging: I'm glad that things seem to be coming together. I also remember nursing homes twenty years ago when things were much worse. We had tried to care for my grandmother at our home, but she was increasingly forgetful and unable to take care of herself, so we had to locate a facility in the community nearby. (Assisted Living wasn't an option)
Although the building was pleasant, the staff is, as you say, what it all comes down to. In that case, they had an institutional attitude that made life difficult for the patients.
It sounds like you've been able to find a much better situation: when the staff relates to him and supports him as a unique person, it has to help him to cope and improve how you feel about participating in his care. Good luck: I hope the positive trends continue!
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