This morning's preparations for the day were interrupted by an urgent phone call from the hospital back in England. Last night my father was found wandering around the streets by the police and taken to hospital. He said the next day that it was someone who looked him and that he was at home all the time. He is, what they call, vulnerable. And a danger to himself. Long conversations with social worker, discussing the options. Not good. Much soul searching on my part.
He has clearly indicated that he would like me to live close to (his) home and be able to come and check on him every day (or few days). Part of me would like to do that - but another (and larger) part does not want to give up the home I have just established and relocate the business that I have built up in the past five years to go to live in the most expensive city in Europe, that I left almsot thirty years ago. Heart and head at conflict on ths one. I chill out by taking Bella dog out for a walk and run through the possibilities in my head among nature. Am I selfish or am I legitimately protecting my own interests? I have seen someone give up years of her life to move in with and nurse an elderly surviving parent through her dotage. I have been warned against it by others. Not sure if it is the right decision to make, though it would feel like a noble one.
For the time being R is going to stay in a Residental Home, his needs met and some protection for him. Next week I will be back there anyway as planned and hope to see him feeling settled rather than distraught. When the plan was suggested to him he seemed to welcome it: said he would like the company. When I spoke to the manager and looked at their web site it semed like a nice caring place - and possibly a more supportive environment than being alone in a small flat. If it chews up his savings then so be it. I would rather he had quality care - and I don't thnk I could provide that. The resntement that I would feel about giving up the life I have here would soon undermine any attempt to do the caring thing with any commitment.
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6 comments:
I don't envy these decisions. I can only wish you lots of strength!
I think it would be a big mistake to commit yourself to looking after your dad and giving up the life you have built up for yourself. You would only feel burdened and frustrated, which would do no good to either of you. I don't think it's at all selfish to want to continue realising your own capabilities and aspirations.
n. It's a non-starter really - I couldn't provide the level of care that he needs and continue supporting myself. Tx for your wisdom though.
I dread the call; so far my parents live independently and successfully, but since they are over 80, it can't last. My brother is nearby, but it will be a shared responsibility.
I really hope that you can find a solution: I agree with Nick that you can't become co-dependent in the care.
Very tough choices to have to make. I think assisted care is a good transition. He still has some independence, but also people to watch out for him 24/7. Even if you lived close, there is no way you could provide that level of care without completely giving up your own life which you should not have to do. And assisted care provides a social network he otherwise probably would not have.
Hope it all works out for both of you.
AB - not quite sure what assisted care means. Probably one of those UK /US English dilemmas. You say trunk, we say boot: we say cupboard you say closet, etc.
Anyway we tried setting up a two visits a day and a hot meal care package last month to keep at home as long as feasible. It wasn't enough. A Residential Home is pretty much a fait accompli now. I have been to see him three times this week and ate with all the residents last night to check out the vibe. He seems happy - hasn't once asked me to take him home - he doesn't even remember he has a home. he seems to enjoy the attention of the carers and the company of the other residents. I didn't think it would work out this way - but I seem to have some profound protection. Will blog more on this later .
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