Lived in one room in Victoria, he was tidy in his digs

R has been back from hospital for a week now. It's possibly been the most challenging week of my life. Getting him used to living at home after his episode- used to having carers coming into his house to make sure he has washed and got himself dressed, do his medication, bring him a hot meal once a day and make sure he does his breakfast and has something to eat in the evening. Liaising with doctors, pharmacists, carers, their bosses and finance departments, utility companies, pensions advisers, banks, the list went on and on. Oh and buying all the things for the household that had been neglected for weeks, months or years. The list of errands each day was endless.

But maybe the hardest bit was helping him rebuild his self confidence. He has always been very proud of being able to cope and never asking for help - and his episode scared him - he realised he couldn't cope and had to swallow his pride and ask me to help him -and in turn I have had to swallow my resentment at the distance he kept from me for 49 years and help him understand that it is OK at his age to accept help from others - apart from myself. So the challenges have not just been practical but also psychological. The practical stuff I can cope with but the psychological stuff I am having to 'learn on the hoof' as they involve 'turning poison into medicine'.

In many ways he is doing very well. Functioning on a daily basis, getting back into many routines - but in another sense he is a bit lost - doesn't have much concept of time or of the fact that I now live in a different country. He is worried that he will never see me again when I go back to the NL tomorrow. His concept of time and place is very woozy. Equally his episode has rubbed off some of his more abrasive, self defense mechanisms. In a way he is more likable. Last night we sat and did a jigsaw puzzle together- I can't ever remember when we did anything together - and by having his thoughts distracted it became natural to get him to talk about his childhood and memories and frustrations (this came naturally, not as a planned strategy). For years I have resented my father -for his distance - his parsimony and a host of other things. For years I have also been aware that I might one day have to bury him, clear his flat and never have the opportunity to clean those feelings. This episode has offered an opportunity to start to do that. Not a total clean slate of course- some things linger deep - but at least an opportunity to see him as a human being rather than some ogre that fate and karma bestowed upon me as a father figure. For that I am grateful and all the work I have done in the past three weeks is worth it in that sense.

For the foreseeable future it feels like I am going to be locked into regular visits to the UK. But at least it feels like I do have something of value to do when I come back here (either practically or karmically) rather than feeling just like it is a duty visit that intereferes with the rest of my life.