High Fidelity

I bought my ex a copy of High Fidelity (amongst other things) for her birthday. I bought myself a copy too. Reading it again it doesn't seem like the most tactful gift to buy an ex who I still have feelings for. The irony in the first chapter about the author's five worst break-ups might not be appreciated. Let's be clear. This break-up certainly warrants a top five ranking in my all time list- not because A. was cruel or thoughtless but perhaps because the very opposite. She didn't want to hurt me and hid her feelings for too long and denied (to me and perhaps herself) that for her the flame had burnt out. And I played along with it and convinced myself that the flame was just subdued by difficult circumstances and was worth trying to breathe life into. I felt she was such a treasure that it was worth trying to weather the storm. What I didn't see was that she felt that I so was vulnerable that she didn't know how to say goodbye with making me cry. In that sense we both made mistakes. I've been crying - but as much about my blindness in not seeing the changes in our relationship as in the loss of the relationship itself. At least now I can see a way forward with both eyes open- for some time I had been wearing the blinkers of a love lost but not acknowledged

Now she has a new love in her life and a radiance that makes me happy and jealous at the same time. Pleased to see the radiance back in her face but upset that its not me that is putting it there. So new man -please respect and honour this woman because she is a treasure.

In the spirit of Nick Hornby here's my current top five songs (in no particular order) for wallowing in and getting through this sad time
1. Better Things - Massive Attack
2. Buckets of Rain - Bob Dylan
3. The Wedding Song - Joni Mitchell
4. Hold back the tears (just around the corner) - Neil Young
5. What a wonderful world - Louis Armstrong

Bubbling under
I'll rise - Ben Harper